I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
