i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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