I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Randomize
