I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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