Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
