Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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