sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
