so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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