dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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