One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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