I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
