she was so not down for the gang bang
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
