I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Randomize
