hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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