She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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