His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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