A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Randomize
