My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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