Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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