rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
