Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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