am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
