Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
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YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
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If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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