I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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