If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
