She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
