it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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