Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
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At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
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