Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
