you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
