I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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