Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
