This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
