there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
They took my balls.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
