My first STD was from a foam party
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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