News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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