Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Church boner. Awkwardddd
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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