So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I'm really busy with my period
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