The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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