I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
