How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
