I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
