I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
