my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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