WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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