i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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