I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
These tits shall not be calmed
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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