highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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