Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
