when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
