i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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