He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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