i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
