mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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