Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
