I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just gargled with NyQuil
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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