I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
