He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
