i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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