Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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