Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It's shark week go big or go home
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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