Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Randomize
