I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
