I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
