My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
