You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
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All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
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You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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