Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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